isaiah 55:11

praise Him. for He is faithful.

it is time.

ok God. if you want me, show me.

rambles of late

last semester was not just a one term, "study abroad experience." i think a lot of people think that's what it was. but it was so much more.

it's like i was someone who's never had chocolate. last term was that chocolate. but now i can't have it anymore. i was pretty satisfied before i went, before i had that taste of that chocolate. but now that i know what it tastes like, life without it feels so incomplete. 

before going to london and experiencing what i experienced, i didn't know that i was missing anything. but now i know that i was missing so much. so so much. 

i had the most incredible feeling of purpose, and love and the feeling that i was where i was supposed to and i was doing what i was supposed to do for the first time in my life. 

now, 

i am here. here back at biola. which was fine before because i didn't know that i was missing anything. but now it's like torture. i know that God wants me here right now. i don't have a shadow of a doubt about that. but i just have no idea why. which is ok, because i realize that that's how God works a lot of the time, but it is so hard. 

i think about london all the time. i long to be there. and yes, part of it is because i have amazing friends that i love there. but mostly i just miss that sense of purpose i had while i was there. 

God put that city on my heart for a reason. i don't ever think that i've felt this way about anything in my life. it doesn't make sense why God would give me that experience, and why He put it on my heart if it doesn't have to do with my future. 

anyway, 

lately my heart's just been numb. i haven't been able to handle this and the rest of the things that God has been doing. this season is not one of comfort. God is tearing down every single thing that i could possible put my trust in that is not Him. which in a way is so amazing, well it is in theory at least. but when living through it, it's pretty much the hardest thing i've ever had to do. my heart feels like it's in pieces. 

and the hardest part about it is that it's so lonely. i'm lonely. 

and i'm longing for God to move in me like He's done before. i'm longing to feel that love once again. but- it's just not the same feeling. i know that He loves me just the same as before, but apparently my heart's in a different place or something. it doesn't feel like that amazing love that i've felt before. maybe that is another thing that He's teaching me.

i don't really know. i don't claim to know anything about what's going on in my heart and spirit and God's mind right now. i just long for the day when this season ends. all i want is to be with Him. to be as close to Him as i possibly can get.