back to california.
so weird.
i'm living in a flashback. but a flashback that is completely different. that probably makes no sense to anyone except me.
anyway,
place is the so the same. yet my relationships are completely different. i knew that this was going to be hard. i just didn't realize it was going to be this hard. but i'm trusting God that things will be good. i'm looking forward to starting classes, and getting into a routine.
and praying for him to put the right people in my life. and that i would be put in the right people's lives.
and i still love my friends in london so much. and i miss them.
and it's good to remember that even if there is an ocean between us they will always be there for me.
they are my family.
1.30.2010
1.14.2010
inadequacy
i am frozen. i am empty. i don't know who i am anymore.
skyping my friends in london makes me so happy, but at the same time so sad and confused.
i thought that i would be so broken up about leaving. which, don't get me wrong, i am. but it's easier than i expected. i don't know if that's because i've been busy, or because i know that they haven't forgotten me, or because i'm in a place that is so completely different that i don't think about it all the time.
i miss the way that God moved in me in london. i miss the depth that i felt. i miss my friends. i miss the encouragement. i miss the constant prayer. i miss the sunset. i miss the laughter. i miss the teasing. i miss the games. i miss cu. i miss being a part of something important. i miss vineyard. i miss the streets of london. i miss the bus. i miss the tube.
but i love bringing all these things to the people that i love here. i thought that when i got back my heart would constantly be heavy. i thought that my eyes would never be dry. but strangely that has not been the case. yes, i have shed quite a few tears. and yes i have thought that i was going to physically be sick because i miss it so much. and these things happen everyday. but it's possible for me to think of other things, and to get distracted by other things. maybe i thought it was going to be harder, because when i thought about leaving while i was in london that's what it felt like. it was harder to think about leaving when i was there than to actually not be there.
yet, i am lost. some parts about leaving were easier than expected. yes, it's not as emotional as i thought it would be. but i come home and it's like i don't know who i am anymore. i just feel lost. and alone. and i don't know what to do about it. so i go about my daily life. but it's so unsatisfying i can hardly take it. i want my heart to pound so strong about something that i feel like its going to come out of my chest. i want to be so passionate that tears can't help but run down my face. but it's like my heart is numb. and my body's stagnant.
most of all i miss who i was when i was there.
i just want to know who i am again. i want to have a purpose. i want my Creator to take joy in the things that i do and say. i want to feel adequate again.
skyping my friends in london makes me so happy, but at the same time so sad and confused.
i thought that i would be so broken up about leaving. which, don't get me wrong, i am. but it's easier than i expected. i don't know if that's because i've been busy, or because i know that they haven't forgotten me, or because i'm in a place that is so completely different that i don't think about it all the time.
i miss the way that God moved in me in london. i miss the depth that i felt. i miss my friends. i miss the encouragement. i miss the constant prayer. i miss the sunset. i miss the laughter. i miss the teasing. i miss the games. i miss cu. i miss being a part of something important. i miss vineyard. i miss the streets of london. i miss the bus. i miss the tube.
but i love bringing all these things to the people that i love here. i thought that when i got back my heart would constantly be heavy. i thought that my eyes would never be dry. but strangely that has not been the case. yes, i have shed quite a few tears. and yes i have thought that i was going to physically be sick because i miss it so much. and these things happen everyday. but it's possible for me to think of other things, and to get distracted by other things. maybe i thought it was going to be harder, because when i thought about leaving while i was in london that's what it felt like. it was harder to think about leaving when i was there than to actually not be there.
yet, i am lost. some parts about leaving were easier than expected. yes, it's not as emotional as i thought it would be. but i come home and it's like i don't know who i am anymore. i just feel lost. and alone. and i don't know what to do about it. so i go about my daily life. but it's so unsatisfying i can hardly take it. i want my heart to pound so strong about something that i feel like its going to come out of my chest. i want to be so passionate that tears can't help but run down my face. but it's like my heart is numb. and my body's stagnant.
most of all i miss who i was when i was there.
i just want to know who i am again. i want to have a purpose. i want my Creator to take joy in the things that i do and say. i want to feel adequate again.
1.03.2010
"In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls."
church was so good today. they taught about this passage. one thing that the pastor said that really stuck out to me was that it's a good thing that there are thistles along this path that we are journeying on. because then we won't settle in this one spot. we will only look forward to what's coming. and who's coming. and our real home in heaven.
it wasn't vineyard, but God is good. He knew what i needed. i know that i shouldn't be so surprised when God knows what i need before i know, and gives it to me before i expect, but i still am. He's amazing.
church was so good today. they taught about this passage. one thing that the pastor said that really stuck out to me was that it's a good thing that there are thistles along this path that we are journeying on. because then we won't settle in this one spot. we will only look forward to what's coming. and who's coming. and our real home in heaven.
it wasn't vineyard, but God is good. He knew what i needed. i know that i shouldn't be so surprised when God knows what i need before i know, and gives it to me before i expect, but i still am. He's amazing.
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