inadequacy

i am frozen. i am empty. i don't know who i am anymore.

skyping my friends in london makes me so happy, but at the same time so sad and confused.
i thought that i would be so broken up about leaving. which, don't get me wrong, i am. but it's easier than i expected. i don't know if that's because i've been busy, or because i know that they haven't forgotten me, or because i'm in a place that is so completely different that i don't think about it all the time.

i miss the way that God moved in me in london. i miss the depth that i felt. i miss my friends. i miss the encouragement. i miss the constant prayer. i miss the sunset. i miss the laughter. i miss the teasing. i miss the games. i miss cu. i miss being a part of something important. i miss vineyard. i miss the streets of london. i miss the bus. i miss the tube.

but i love bringing all these things to the people that i love here. i thought that when i got back my heart would constantly be heavy. i thought that my eyes would never be dry. but strangely that has not been the case. yes, i have shed quite a few tears. and yes i have thought that i was going to physically be sick because i miss it so much. and these things happen everyday. but it's possible for me to think of other things, and to get distracted by other things. maybe i thought it was going to be harder, because when i thought about leaving while i was in london that's what it felt like. it was harder to think about leaving when i was there than to actually not be there.


yet, i am lost. some parts about leaving were easier than expected. yes, it's not as emotional as i thought it would be. but i come home and it's like i don't know who i am anymore. i just feel lost. and alone. and i don't know what to do about it. so i go about my daily life. but it's so unsatisfying i can hardly take it. i want my heart to pound so strong about something that i feel like its going to come out of my chest. i want to be so passionate that tears can't help but run down my face. but it's like my heart is numb. and my body's stagnant.

most of all i miss who i was when i was there. 

i just want to know who i am again. i want to have a purpose. i want my Creator to take joy in the things that i do and say. i want to feel adequate again.