the spirit of the new year settles in

the corks have been popped, the glasses clinked, and the horns now speak in only whispers.

goodbyes and well wishes are made one by one until the sparkly lights fade and finally turn out for the night.

the spirit of the new year settles in.

hope. new years is a celebration centered around hopes and dreams. the future. we made it through one more year here on this earth, and we can do it again- but better this time.

hope is what I'm clinging to this new year. the slight glimmer of hope, just a spark of it. really, it's all I can grasp at.

2015 was not my best year. it was filled with heartbreak, loss of friends and community, and oh so much doubt. doubt in my friends, my faith, myself. it kind of felt like the rug was pulled out from beneath me, and as I fell I realized that the handle that is usually there for me to grab onto disintegrated in my hands. the firm grip that I thought I had on truth, and love, and God melted into thin air.

but when the handle disappeared I found myself gripping onto hands instead. the few people around me grabbed my hand when I couldn't find the handle, even though it seemed that some of them too were falling at a similar speed. but to have a hand to hold, even if we're all just free falling, is still a hand to hold tight.

the other day, someone asked me to tell them something that I was excited about. I sat there staring at them because I literally couldn't think of one thing in my life to be excited for. life has taken a toll on me this year. on my spirit. on my soul.

I don't want to make grand plans or dream big dreams for 2016. I don't want to expect that in one year my life will be drastically different and I will understand all this muck I've been wading through. to be honest, my heart rebels against even the slightest hope of change or happiness. its painful to be in a place where even your tiniest hopes are dashed, and I'm quite reluctant to put myself through that pain once again.

but the thing is, to be human, to live, is to hope. to survive the one thing that you need to make it through is hope. right now, all I have to cling to is the glimmer of hope in the distance.