the spirit of the new year settles in

the corks have been popped, the glasses clinked, and the horns now speak in only whispers.

goodbyes and well wishes are made one by one until the sparkly lights fade and finally turn out for the night.

the spirit of the new year settles in.

hope. new years is a celebration centered around hopes and dreams. the future. we made it through one more year here on this earth, and we can do it again- but better this time.

hope is what I'm clinging to this new year. the slight glimmer of hope, just a spark of it. really, it's all I can grasp at.

2015 was not my best year. it was filled with heartbreak, loss of friends and community, and oh so much doubt. doubt in my friends, my faith, myself. it kind of felt like the rug was pulled out from beneath me, and as I fell I realized that the handle that is usually there for me to grab onto disintegrated in my hands. the firm grip that I thought I had on truth, and love, and God melted into thin air.

but when the handle disappeared I found myself gripping onto hands instead. the few people around me grabbed my hand when I couldn't find the handle, even though it seemed that some of them too were falling at a similar speed. but to have a hand to hold, even if we're all just free falling, is still a hand to hold tight.

the other day, someone asked me to tell them something that I was excited about. I sat there staring at them because I literally couldn't think of one thing in my life to be excited for. life has taken a toll on me this year. on my spirit. on my soul.

I don't want to make grand plans or dream big dreams for 2016. I don't want to expect that in one year my life will be drastically different and I will understand all this muck I've been wading through. to be honest, my heart rebels against even the slightest hope of change or happiness. its painful to be in a place where even your tiniest hopes are dashed, and I'm quite reluctant to put myself through that pain once again.

but the thing is, to be human, to live, is to hope. to survive the one thing that you need to make it through is hope. right now, all I have to cling to is the glimmer of hope in the distance.

for my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord.
for as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.
 -isaiah 55:8-9

the head and the heart - winter song

funny how the sea and the stars can put your life in perspective.
the beach always calms my soul.
it's good to remember how big God is and how small we are.
if God can do such amazing things with water and sand, how much more can he do with us?
it's pretty amazing how he created this world with reminders of his presence and beauty all around. sometimes we just have to go a little out of our way to realize it.

pressure

i dont think i've ever felt a pressure like the one that i have been feeling during the past month.
it has overwhelmed me more than i realized.

pressure ...
to be motivated. to be busy. to have money. to find a 'real' career. to be stressed. to not waste my education. to have plans. to be in a relationship. to make something of myself. to suddenly become an adult.

i guess this is my first glimpse into the world of being an adult, of trying to live up to expectation, of trying to fit into our society's norms.

the thing is... i'm not called to fit in with society. the world's norms and expectations are not my own. they are imperfect- fallen.
i'm called only to do His will. not my own, not the world's- His.
" you are not of the world, but I chose you out of the world"

i don't think that this pressure is going to subside any time soon. but i know that i can be at peace when i remember that God's plan is the only one that i need to follow. and His expectations are the only ones i need to meet. my purpose is to glorify Him with every moment. when i strive to do this the world's pressure will fade and living for His glory will consume me. this is really all that matters. 

sometimes i just need to be reminded that his grace is sufficient.
that i'm living for a bigger purpose than my own.
that i am a part of this kingdom that is breaking through.

sometimes i need to be reminded that i am a child of God's.
that i am loved by him, so much that i will never be able to fathom.
that i do not need to live to the imperfect standards of this world, only to his standards.

i need to be reminded that heaven is what i look forward to.
that this life is short.
and that he is strong when i am weak.

sometimes i need to be reminded that his grace is sufficient.

woke up early this morning, all i could think about was london.
one year ago today at the heathrow arrivals gate i was greeted back to the city i love with hugs and tears.
oh, how i miss those brothers and sisters across the sea.

my life makes no sense. which sometimes causes quite a bit of anxiety, especially when trying to figure out the next step. but then i realize how much God's done that doesn't seem to make sense at the time, but has been better than i ever could have imagined. london is proof of this. so is biola.

so once again, i put my trust in Him to figure out this next chapter. it might not make sense to the world, it might not make sense to me. but it will make complete sense to Him. and that's really all that matters.