giving up

i guess at least the anxiety is because i love it here so much. better than having anxiety about hating it. i really really really just need to learn to trust God. it's just that my friends and relationships here are amazing. i miss them already, although i'm not gone. i'm just sick of wanting to cry all the time. i seriously feel like as it gets closer to leaving my heart is breaking more and more. i hate it. i can't handle it. well i can. with Him. but it literally is one of the hardest things i've ever had to do. and i know its silly, but it makes it harder because i'm pretty sure no one else completely understands. its like i've found something that i've been searching for my whole life, but now i have to leave it behind. and i don't know how to do that. i will get through. i just need God.

ya know... as i think about it. it's probably a good thing that i have to leave. it will teach me to only depend on God. and i need to be willing to give everything up for Him. i am giving it all up for Him. i will do it. and i need to do it willingly, and with my whole heart.

about those late night musings...

not sure where to start. as i try and sort out the thoughts running through my brain i realize there is no rhyme or reason. the sun goes down, and its time to sleep and my mind wont let up.

this is the most dangerous time to think i reckon. it sounds ridiculous, but honestly late night contemplation many times turns into worthless anxiety and pointless daydreams. however, as of late, it's been happening quite frequently. someone once told me that writing was the answer, i suppose we'll see. 

as the time to go home to the states comes nearer and nearer, I feel more and more pressure. so many emotions are constantly ravaging my soul. i know that this is causing me to close up, but i'm not quite sure how to handle that. i love it here more than i know how to deal with. 

however, God is good. the only time that i really feel good is when i'm worshiping him. even lately, i've felt so broken in worship. yet, even being so broken, his presence that strong is the most incredible thing i've ever felt. 

and his answer to my constant anxiety, unbearable pressure and barricaded heart? peace. his peace is all i need. he is sufficient. 

in the stillness, he is God. 

Philippians 4:7: "And the peace of God,which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

the deal

sometimes there are just moments when i want to explode from lack of expression. so this is why i created a blog. that, and of course, to follow the crowd.

i don't think that as of now i'm going to show it to anyone. here's to hoping that sending random thoughts into the oblivion of the internet will ease my mind in late night contemplation and restless panics.