for my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord.
for as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.
 -isaiah 55:8-9

the head and the heart - winter song

funny how the sea and the stars can put your life in perspective.
the beach always calms my soul.
it's good to remember how big God is and how small we are.
if God can do such amazing things with water and sand, how much more can he do with us?
it's pretty amazing how he created this world with reminders of his presence and beauty all around. sometimes we just have to go a little out of our way to realize it.

pressure

i dont think i've ever felt a pressure like the one that i have been feeling during the past month.
it has overwhelmed me more than i realized.

pressure ...
to be motivated. to be busy. to have money. to find a 'real' career. to be stressed. to not waste my education. to have plans. to be in a relationship. to make something of myself. to suddenly become an adult.

i guess this is my first glimpse into the world of being an adult, of trying to live up to expectation, of trying to fit into our society's norms.

the thing is... i'm not called to fit in with society. the world's norms and expectations are not my own. they are imperfect- fallen.
i'm called only to do His will. not my own, not the world's- His.
" you are not of the world, but I chose you out of the world"

i don't think that this pressure is going to subside any time soon. but i know that i can be at peace when i remember that God's plan is the only one that i need to follow. and His expectations are the only ones i need to meet. my purpose is to glorify Him with every moment. when i strive to do this the world's pressure will fade and living for His glory will consume me. this is really all that matters. 

sometimes i just need to be reminded that his grace is sufficient.
that i'm living for a bigger purpose than my own.
that i am a part of this kingdom that is breaking through.

sometimes i need to be reminded that i am a child of God's.
that i am loved by him, so much that i will never be able to fathom.
that i do not need to live to the imperfect standards of this world, only to his standards.

i need to be reminded that heaven is what i look forward to.
that this life is short.
and that he is strong when i am weak.

sometimes i need to be reminded that his grace is sufficient.

woke up early this morning, all i could think about was london.
one year ago today at the heathrow arrivals gate i was greeted back to the city i love with hugs and tears.
oh, how i miss those brothers and sisters across the sea.

my life makes no sense. which sometimes causes quite a bit of anxiety, especially when trying to figure out the next step. but then i realize how much God's done that doesn't seem to make sense at the time, but has been better than i ever could have imagined. london is proof of this. so is biola.

so once again, i put my trust in Him to figure out this next chapter. it might not make sense to the world, it might not make sense to me. but it will make complete sense to Him. and that's really all that matters.

take and seal it

"o to grace how great a debtor 

daily i'm constrained to be! 

let thy goodness, like a fetter, 

bind my wandering heart to thee. 

prone to wander, Lord, i feel it, 

prone to leave the God i love; 

here's my heart, o take and seal it, 

seal it for thy courts above."

take my life i lay it down
at the cross where i am found
all i have i give to you oh god

take my hands and make them clean
keep my heart in purity
that i may walk in all you have for me

oh here i stand
arms open wide
oh i am yours
and you are mine

take my moments and my days
let each breath that i take
be ever only for you oh god

oh here i stand
arms open wide
oh i am yours
and you are mine

my whole life is yours
i give it all
surrendered to your name
and forever i will pray
have your way
have your way

oh here i stand
arms open wide
oh i am yours
and you are mine

i praise God for my weaknesses, faults, and inadequacies because it is in those that he can work the most. it is in those faults that i am humbled, but he gives grace to the humble.


"but he gives more grace. therefore it says, 'God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble.'” 
-james 4:6


"but he said to me, “my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” therefore i will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. that is why, for Christ’s sake, i delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. for when i am weak, then i am strong." - 2 corinthians 12:9-10

to the girl who always wants to be somewhere else

"let not our longing slay the appetite of our living." - jim elliot

5.

number one: i think i definitely go on facebook too much, as i now think in facebook status'.

number two: God has surprised me with his grace and sufficiency today.

number three: i have resolved that this semester will be the best last semester of college anyone has ever had (warning: this may include hang-gliding).

number four: i am incredibly blessed. i seriously need to start living my life with this in mind.

number five: today i actually thought of (slash God revealed to me) a reason why i am actually blessed to be in the ridiculous amount of debt i'm in from attending biola. well, a) biola's awesome, but b) it forces me to rely completely on him. and for that i am grateful.

bucket list.

so, lately, i've been trying to figure out what to do with the rest of my life.

that sentence looks so funny to me, because it's such a simple thought written out. ha- ironic.
anyway, all i can seem to think of are things that someday i want to do or accomplish, but i can't necessarily do right now, or for the rest of my life. hence the title, bucket list.

i've never actually written these things down before, but i felt like this is a good time to do it, and maybe it will help me sort out my thoughts on more attainable, short-term goals. so here goes, the list of things i want to do in my life (this really is going to be never ending):

1. get married & have a family (obviously)
2. visit every country i can possibly get to
3. own a coffee shop/bakery/bookstore. preferably in london or europe somewhere
4. work with adopted children/adoptive families
5. live in london
6. go to culinary school/learn how to cook really well
7. run a marathon
8. climb a mountain (yes, i'm serious)
9. travel with my grandma
10. scuba dive
11. get a massage
12. live in my own apartment
13. see new york city, maybe even live there
14. learn another language fluently
15. meet the president
16. go skydiving, again
17. go cliff-diving/bungee jumping/parachuting (all those crazy things)
18. learn how to surf
19. go on a safari
20. hold a monkey
21. swim with dolphins
22. ski somewhere crazy
23. go to greece/italy/france with my husband
24. send my kids to college- or at least get them started
25. found an international charity or ngo
26. go back to the cabin
27. go to a superbowl (hopefully the first one the vikings win!)
28. go to the world cup
29. see brazil
30. go to israel, and walk where Jesus once walked
31. see my dad worship the lord
32. have my family to my (future) house for thanksgiving
33. milk a cow (i know, random, but i have wanted to ever since i read the little house books)
34. learn how to dance
35. go to the olympics (just to watch, obviously)
36. learn how to take really good photos
37. see the northern lights
38. read lots and lots of books (can't even begin to list them)
39. learn to play the piano
40. learn how to roll my r's
41. have a garden
42. see the penguins in argentina
43. have a perfect new years
44. canoe somewhere
45. go white-water rafting
46. see an eclipse
47. research my genealogy
48. drive up the california coast on the pch
49. visit all 50 states (less than half to go!)
50. start a journey without a destination

there are many more, but this is all i'm going to write for now. however, i'm sure there will be more added frequently as i think of them. some of them may be improbable, but i'm so thankful that i at least have a chance to wish for them. this gift of life is an incredible blessing.

here and now.

i think i missed the delayed gratification stage in my mental development as a child. i am, and have pretty much always been a very 'here and now' type of person. which i realize more and more everyday. i generally like this about myself. i know that it bugs other people sometimes, because it makes me horrible at planning things, but i'm ok with that.

except lately i've been wondering if it's realistic for me to continue being this way. i love not worrying about tomorrow, but what if tomorrow need's worrying about?

where's my balance here? how do i become a responsible adult, yet still continue to be the person that God created me to be, with the personality he created me with? does it have to be one or the other?

biola

i don't want to leave here. every passing day, i realize just how much biola means to me. for three years i have been lost as to why God has put me in this place. i have taken for granted so many things that it has offered me. but going through those things has made me even more grateful for what biola is to me today.

biola is a very different thing to different people. i have been at both ends of the spectrum and seen the side of those who do not appreciate it, and am now at the other side, realizing how truly amazing it actually is. i've seen many come and go from this place, each with differing views and experiences. i see those differing experiences and hope that eventually they will lead all of us to Jesus in a deeper sense. 

there are some things about biola that are hard to appreciate, and there are definitely areas that need work. the students of biola need to realize that it's not about them- it's only about Jesus. but this takes time, and all come to realize this at different times. but the thing is, God is working hard and fast at biola. i've seen it change dramatically in just these four years. and i am so encouraged by this change.

God is using biola in a huge way that i didn't previously see. so many people are being impacted by the administration, faculty, staff, and students. the unity that i have longed for for biola since day one is starting to occur. i feel Him working here in a powerful way. 

biola has changed my life. while i've been here i've experienced things that i never thought i would. i strayed the farthest from God that i had ever before. i lost some friends, i lost some time, and i lost some innocence along the way. but this is life. i have also grown the closest to God than ever before. i have gained a deeper understanding of Him. of love for Him. i've gained love for others. i've gained knowledge of myself. i've gained knowledge of the world. i've gained wisdom. most importantly, i've gained a passion and belief in Jesus that will forever be my firm foundation.

i don't know how to express the love i have for biola. granted, it's easier for me to see this now that i'm leaving than it was before. isn't it funny how we never seem to realize all the good until we have to leave it. 

mostly i just thank God for biola everyday. that such an incredible institution exists and that he continues to keep it alive and fruitful. i pray that He will continue to bless biola in ways that it never saw coming. i pray that biola would be genuine in the face of an inauthentic world. above all i pray that biola would continue to love Jesus more and more, and have this be the highest goal. 

you know that feeling when you really, really like someone and you haven't seen them in a while? or maybe you had a relationship and broke up? then you suddenly hear a song that reminds you of them, or a memory of a fun night pops into your head, or you drive by the place you first met them?
you know that feeling when your heart starts pounding and your stomach starts to hurt?

that's how i feel about london. every time i hear a story, facebook status, see a picture, or am reminded of a time i had there. and its been almost a year since i was last there.

seriously, it's like i fell in love with a city instead of a boy.
my life really did take a turn that i never expected.

now i'm just not sure what to do with that.

back here again.

and happy to be back, even if it is pouring outside which is making me a little melancholy.

as i sit here i debrief for the final time before class starts again tomorrow i process the last semester and really the whole year of 2010. it's been interesting thats for sure. it was a year that i needed to go through, even if it was not much fun all of the time.

the calender says january 2011 and think of where i was in january of 2010. a lot of the feelings are similar.

2011 has a lot to offer me. and i have a lot to prove. four months and four weeks from today is the ominous day of the unknown.

yet, i'm trusting my creator, my king, my savior. he knows where i'll be. and he knows it will be good.

twenty-eleven will be a year of endings, goodbyes, and anxiety. but it will also be one of beginnings, hellos, and life.

twenty-eleven, here i come. get ready!

“Most people fail at whatever they attempt because of an undecided heart. Should I? Should I not? Go forward? Go back? Success requires the emotional balance of a committed heart. When confronted with a challenge, the committed heart will search for a solution. The undecided heart searches for an escape. A committed heart does not wait for conditions to be exactly right. Why? Because conditions are never exactly right.” -Andy Andrews