God, all i want is for you to overtake my soul. i want to live with such a passion for your glory that it physically hurts. catapult me to spread your word so fervently that i cannot stop.

and let me live with no other goal than this.

Lord, give me strength.
peace and reconciliation are my goals this week.
i think it's finally time.

fill me with your love and remind me of it at all times.

dear shakespeare

music may be the fruit of love, but first it was the seed of love. how can i listen to music that moves my soul and not be changed by it? it inspires and makes clear the desires of my heart. when i hear music that truly speaks to me it descrambles the complication of my life and reminds me what i'm truly living for. it makes me want to cry and laugh all at the same time. it makes me miss something i've never had and long for dreams forgotten.

how does one hear music and not be moved? how can i listen to some bearing their hearts so deeply and not feel mine pound?

it's when the newness wears off that the old feelings come back. 

i hate this. longing for more. i feel like all i want is more to my life. more meaning. more purpose. more of God's presence. but at the same time i'm holding myself back. i can't understand why i'm not moving forward. well, i know in some ways i really am. but its not fast enough! time goes faster and faster and my understanding and growth takes longer and longer. 

eyes glued straight ahead. behind me is only salt.

here i am. once again at this point in my life where goodbye is so near. i have so many thoughts about the times to come but it's all jumbled in my mind. emotions tied so tightly that sorting them out is impossible. i'm getting used to these goodbyes and let-downs. which is niether good nor bad. my heart doesn't fully embrace relationships and experiences, but this does make things a lot easier to cope with when it's all said and done.

i'm just done with getting let down by people and circumstances. the past couple of monthes have taught me how to depend on myself. this was something that was needed in my life. to this extent? not sure if it's healthy or not. but it happened.

honestly i can say that i like being closed off a little. it's so much easier to not get hurt. i know that this sounds so empty but after you pour yourself in to an expereince as much as i did with london and then be so incredibly hurt as i have been left even 9 months after... it's just bound to happen.

looking back over everything that i have experienced, all the relationships made and lost, and time wasted i think i'm finally at the point where i can say that i'm not sad abour it, nor happy. it's just there. it happened. i will forever have the memories and scars.

what i'm left with is myself. my heart. my life. my future. these scars will no longer keep getting cut open. i hope my skin is strong enough now to handle whatever comes my way. no looking back. only forward.

lost... once again

this summer has been quite the experience. lots of highs and lows- but mostly highs. that doesn't really mean much now though.

i don't really know how to explain the emotions running through me at this moment. or the changes that have happened this summer. all i know is that once again this fall i will leave minnesota a different person. not really sure if these changes are for the good or bad. probably both i suppose.

there have definitely been some great things about this summer. my heart has filled with new friendships made and old friendships rekindled.

yet, my heart feels broken.
maybe never really healed from the start of spring semester.

i don't really know where this leaves me.

this week:
boats, barbecues, beaches, long walks, more caribou than is healthy, movies, bonfires, dresses, deep talks, family time, good sermons, shopping trips, target runs, sister time, and best of all- time with my baby niece!

i am seriously so blessed. i take it for granted a lot, but i realized tonight how amazing the week God has given me. sometimes when you look at the little things in your life you realize they are all little reminders that God is there and he is still working in your life. it really is a huge encouragement.

I HATE MOVING!
i'm sick of it. i really hate switching homes every three months. this needs to stop, it takes too much of a toll on my emotions.
i hate moving.

ma belle evangeline

dear evangeline,
today is the day you were born. may 22nd. you may not know this, but you have changed our lives completely. your beautiful little face is the most amazing thing i have ever seen. you are so important! God has big plans for you, little one. i can't wait to see who you grow up to be! you've got a long way to go, though. i am counting down the days until i can meet you. sunday, monday, tuesday- and finally, the big day- wednesday! four whole days, i am so excited, four days seems like forever. you have only been alive for a few hours already captured so many hearts! you are so special. precious little girl, you my dear, have big things ahead of you. i am so excited to teach you and watch you learn and grow! before we know it you will be crawling, and then walking and talking, and then reading and i just cant wait! just so you know little girl, i will always be here for you. always, always, always.
i love you, little one.

end of the semester craziness.

over-caffeinated brain
         +
library lockdown
         +
amazing procrastination abilities
         +
endless chapels
         +
very messy room
         +
lack of food
         +
many frequent status updates

     equals?

one hot mess.

sometimes it's hard to remember that God has more for me.
but i need to remember exactly that.
i don't "deserve" better, but i have confidence that He wants the best for me.
He knows what i need.

Lord, help me wait for your will. show me who i am through your eyes. show me my faults and show me my weaknesses. show me the gifts that you've given me and show me the woman that you created me to be.  and help me use these things for your glory alone.

O LORD, Deliver My Life

O LORD, rebuke me not in your anger,
   nor discipline me in your wrath.
Be gracious to me, O LORD, for I am languishing;
    heal me, O LORD, for my bones are troubled.
My soul also is greatly troubled.
   But you, O LORD— how long?



Turn, O LORD, deliver my life;
   save me for the sake of your steadfast love.
For in death there is no remembrance of you;
   in Sheol who will give you praise?


I am weary with my moaning;
   every night I flood my bed with tears;
   I drench my couch with my weeping.
My eye wastes away because of grief;
   it grows weak because of all my foes.


Depart from me, all you workers of evil,
   for the LORD has heard the sound of my weeping.
The LORD has heard my plea;
   the LORD accepts my prayer.
All my enemies shall be ashamed and greatly troubled;
   they shall turn back and be put to shame in a moment.

-Psalm 6

isaiah 55:11

praise Him. for He is faithful.

it is time.

ok God. if you want me, show me.

rambles of late

last semester was not just a one term, "study abroad experience." i think a lot of people think that's what it was. but it was so much more.

it's like i was someone who's never had chocolate. last term was that chocolate. but now i can't have it anymore. i was pretty satisfied before i went, before i had that taste of that chocolate. but now that i know what it tastes like, life without it feels so incomplete. 

before going to london and experiencing what i experienced, i didn't know that i was missing anything. but now i know that i was missing so much. so so much. 

i had the most incredible feeling of purpose, and love and the feeling that i was where i was supposed to and i was doing what i was supposed to do for the first time in my life. 

now, 

i am here. here back at biola. which was fine before because i didn't know that i was missing anything. but now it's like torture. i know that God wants me here right now. i don't have a shadow of a doubt about that. but i just have no idea why. which is ok, because i realize that that's how God works a lot of the time, but it is so hard. 

i think about london all the time. i long to be there. and yes, part of it is because i have amazing friends that i love there. but mostly i just miss that sense of purpose i had while i was there. 

God put that city on my heart for a reason. i don't ever think that i've felt this way about anything in my life. it doesn't make sense why God would give me that experience, and why He put it on my heart if it doesn't have to do with my future. 

anyway, 

lately my heart's just been numb. i haven't been able to handle this and the rest of the things that God has been doing. this season is not one of comfort. God is tearing down every single thing that i could possible put my trust in that is not Him. which in a way is so amazing, well it is in theory at least. but when living through it, it's pretty much the hardest thing i've ever had to do. my heart feels like it's in pieces. 

and the hardest part about it is that it's so lonely. i'm lonely. 

and i'm longing for God to move in me like He's done before. i'm longing to feel that love once again. but- it's just not the same feeling. i know that He loves me just the same as before, but apparently my heart's in a different place or something. it doesn't feel like that amazing love that i've felt before. maybe that is another thing that He's teaching me.

i don't really know. i don't claim to know anything about what's going on in my heart and spirit and God's mind right now. i just long for the day when this season ends. all i want is to be with Him. to be as close to Him as i possibly can get. 

home

the compass within me is broken. it not longer points north. it no longer points to home.

home.
my body and soul long for this place called home.
yet, this strange concept eludes me.

wrote this in the middle of last term while in london. still rings so true:

"as i lay on my bed, 

and the world swims above my head 

and i try to think of whimsical rhymes and hidden meanings 

my patience grows weak. 

the faith i lack is the faith i need yet somehow 

my mind rebels against it. 

my imagination runs wild with thoughts of irresponsible and wild ways of living, 

of dreams that will never come to be, 

and of places i hope soon to go. 

this pen and pad, 

my only comfort. 

this body just holds me back. 

this world screams No, 

yet my heart wants to scream back. 

my mind tells me the obstacles are for a reason, 

yet my heart wants to leap before looking. 

this once i want to jump without analyzing. 

the world tugs with a sway and flow - 

gets farther 

and the holes become wider,

yet the others get tighter 

and form a knot. 

i feel the stretching and pulling of this world- 

and enjoy the feeling until the stretch becomes too much 

and i snap. 

no, 

i have not snapped. 

the fabric i'm made of is stronger than this world. 

my heart yearns for two different worlds. 

yet neither one i call home. 

the home i long for is but  a glimmer in my eye, 

and a hope in my heart. 

as the world screams, swims, and stretches, 

i am steady. 

for i am not of this world. 

and someday it will become gray. 

the brightness comes from another source. 

and this 

is what i live for."

beautiful

Oh Lord, you're beautiful,
Your face is all I seek,
For when your eyes are on this child,
Your grace abounds to me.

I want to take your word and shine it all around.
But first help me just to live it Lord.
And when I'm doing well, help me to never seek a crown.
For my reward is giving glory to you.

Oh Lord, please light the fire,
That once burned bright and clear.
Replace the lamp of my first love,
That burns with Holy fear.

I want to take your word and shine it all around.
But first help me just to live it Lord.
And when I'm doing well, help me to never seek a crown.
For my reward is giving glory to you.

Oh Lord, you're beautiful,
Your face is all I seek,
For when your eyes are on this child,
Your grace abounds to me.
Oh Lord, you're beautiful,
Your face is all I seek,
For when your eyes are on this child,
Your grace abounds to me.

sometimes i just get so frustrated by the fact that people know the truth and choose not to live by it.

christian universities are plagued with this trend. it's the nature of the environment that surrounds the students. the combination of so many different backgrounds of faith in God. and so many temptations.
my heart is so troubled by this phenomenon.

my prayer is that God would put a passion in the hearts of christian students once again. my vision is a university unified by God's love and desire to live only for His glory. a place where one student's weakness is filled by another's strength. one where authenticity and honesty reign and create a fabric that is able to withstand the temptations of this age. a place where a love for God is the first priority. and a love for others the second.

this place will move mountains. this place will show the world the God that saves. it will strengthen believers of all walks of life, at any 'level' of spirituality.

this is a place where the meek and humble are raised up. and where every student's strength are utilized. 

a place of constant prayer. a place to meet God. a place where we can see His face. 

this is my prayer for biola
for universities around the world
for my generation
for the Body of Christ.

change.
it's a funny thing. i have a love/hate relationship with the concept of change.

my life has changed so much in the period of a year. and i am so completely happy that i have changed as a person. that God has changed me. this exact time last year was probably the lowest, worst time in my life. no exaggeration.

and here i am now. in the place that God wants me to be. striving to be the girl God wants me to be.
i am astounded by His love and grace.

london for 10 days was incredible. one of the most challenging experiences i've probably had- but one of the greatest as well. i am incredibly emotionally drained- but He is filling me up again. His love is what i'm living for.

i am blessed. i have said that countless times in this blog, but it's so true. i have three homes, and three families.

somehow coming back to california is good. i am at peace and i know that i'm in the right place doing the right thing. and i'm excited for what's to come. and i am beyond thankful for the people that God has put in my life. and even more thankful for the trials that i've had to go through to get me through to this place.

i don't know what's in store. and it may be hard. and there will be change. and i will change. but He is sovereign. and merciful. and loving.

when my eyes are fastened on Him- nothing else matters.

love

ok, so i know this is corny. and i know this is what every christian girl on the planet who doesn't have a boy in her life says, but really...


this valentine's day i am in love with God. he is my one and only. 


i have had so many realization's about this lately. i want to be in love with only him. nothing else really matters at all. when my eyes are on him- he is the only thing i see. the challenge is keeping my eyes only on him. its a slow process but its coming. 


he loves me more than anyone ever could. and if he was the only one to ever love me, i would still be complete. he more than completes me. 


honestly, i don't really want a boy in my life right now anyway, i just want to continue learning how to love God with my whole heart. my heart shouldn't belong to anyone but him. everyday, my hunger for him gets stronger and stronger. i can't wait to see what he has in store for me! and i can't wait to know him better. 


he is the lover of my soul. he is my savior. he is my everything. he is all i need. he is my life. he is my eternity. he is my creator. he is my past. he is my present. he is my future. he is the only thing and the only one i will live for. 


and i?
i am his. 


"For your Maker is your husband,
   the LORD of hosts is his name;
and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer,
    the God of the whole earth he is called."