a vapor in the wind

"come now, you who say, 'today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit'— yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. what is your life? for you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes."

-james 4:13-14

a million different places

one year ago today was one of the hardest days of my life. when i had to say goodbye to london. it still hurts.

my heart needs a rest from all the trauma i've put it through the past couple years. i'm ready for something good.

i'm sick about talking about myself all the time... there are more important things to be worried about!

tomorrow is christmas eve, and i'm excited :)

so this is christmas.

as i sit here, i look out the window and the snow pours down. there is christmas music playing, and my home smells of pine and christmas cookies. i am one happy girl.
it's like they say: there's nothing like being home for the holidays.
i'm blessed!

when things don't work out it's easy to think that you're not worth it.
i have to just keep reminding myself that the Creator of the universe thinks i am.
he is and will always be my Good Shepherd.

pause. transition.

"home where my thought's escaping,
home where my music's playing,"

home.

home?

not really sure how to define that word anymore. 

in any case i'm back in minnesota (aka the frozen tundra).

and happy :)

i can always tell that it's about time to go home when i feel myself about to burst into tears multiple times a day.

life is complicated sometimes.
all i can say is that i'm excited to go home and hang out with my sisters.
everything is simpler there.

2 more days. just 2.

and somewhere around 2am it hits me.

this is real.

this book that i'm studying so methodically is real. He is real. it's so easy to forget as i study so intently to pass an exam.

YOU are real. Jesus, my Savior. You came to Earth. You came to die.
for me.
me.

for me to forget about you, for me to hurt you, for me to sin against you, for me to ignore you.
and yet. you want me still.

i ignore you, and you still seek.
i sin against you, and you still forgive.
i hurt you, and you cry out to me.
i forget about you, and you still love me.

my God, you died for me.
yet, how do i die for you?

my heart beats for a purpose that my Creator has yet to reveal.
my soul longs to be used for a mission greater than my own desires.

something is coming. i can literally feel it.
my hands are shaking, my heart is pounding, my is stomach flipping.

my hope is only that in whatever comes will be used for the Kingdom.

there is a density in the air that makes me breathe slowly.
my eyes are set on Him.

in the meantime?
breathe deeply, settle my heart and seek His will in all i do.

until that day...

The Vision - Pete Greig

http://www.24-7prayer.com/about/thevision-en


this is powerful. it's long, but read it. 

“When people hear good music, it makes them homesick for something they never had”
-Edgar Watson Howe

woke up with Mumford in my head this morning. those are always start the best days :)

i'm feelin kinda all over the place.

someday. 
someday my life will settle into a rhythm that makes sense. 
someday my emotions will be steady and not a roller coster.
someday i will learn that no matter how i feel, He has things under control.
someday my heart will constantly rejoice at the beauty, splendor, and grace.
someday nothing else will matter but His glory.


i pray that someday is sooner than later. 

thanks for thanksgiving

mug of coffee in hand, raindrops on the roof, and laughter of great friends in the background. so simple, yet so good.

this thanksgiving break has been such a blessing. God is good.

it's funny, i wouldn't have thought that this break would be so enjoyable, as i usually hate being away from my family during the holidays, but somehow i have had a really amazing time. He really does bless me in so many ways.

thanksgiving was lovely and i'm so glad at the turnout and that i could spend it with such wonderful people that love God.

then being able to see the trans siberian orchestra? seriously amazing. and being around a family was so much fun. i'm glad i had a little taste of that during the break, it felt good.

at dinner when we said what we were thankful for my list just went on and on and on. mostly it was friends, family, my new niece :), biola (a post will come soon on this), but mostly Jesus and the way that i have been changed in the past year. he has changed me, and for that i am grateful. 

Psalm 27:1-8

One thing have I asked of the LORD,
that will I seek after:
that I may dwell in the house of the LORD
all the days of my life,
to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD
and to inquire in his temple.

For he will hide me in his shelter
in the day of trouble;
he will conceal me under the cover of his tent;
he will lift me high upon a rock.

And now my head shall be lifted up
above my enemies all around me,
and I will offer in his tent
sacrifices with shouts of joy;
I will sing and make melody to the LORD.

Hear, O LORD, when I cry aloud;
be gracious to me and answer me!
  You have said, “Seek my face.”
My heart says to you,
“Your face, LORD, do I seek.”

one of those rare moments of peace in the whirlwind of life

every part of philippians 4 seems to resonate with my heart, soul, and mind this week.
peace and contentment beyond understanding.
he is so good. i am so thankful.
only with Him am i complete.

i miss mi familia today.
and my home.
i guess the midpoint of the semester is when it usually hits.
i miss those cold winter days and nice cozy houses. i miss my niece and all the wonderful new things she's learning. i miss my sisters and how we just fit together. i miss my parents and how they just roll their eyes at us. i miss the snow. i miss the nice cup of coffee, cocoa, or tea with a good book. i even miss wiping the snow off the car. i miss mittens and scarfs. i miss "minnesota nice" and talking to strangers about the crazy weather. i miss it.

does this make my decision as to where i'm going to live after graduation easier? no, sadly. only more difficult.

is it possible to be a traveller at heart and yet still yearn for the warmth of a consistent home?

craving

i just want to

feel the wind in my hair,
taste the salt on my lips,
hear the waves crash,
see the water meet the sky,
and smell that one and only scent of pure ocean air.

"you desired my attention but refused my affection"

is seems as though this has been the story of my life. 
i need to stop essentially breaking my own heart.
Lord, help me stay focused on you and your purposes and forget about my own desires. instead, give me your desires. 

God, all i want is for you to overtake my soul. i want to live with such a passion for your glory that it physically hurts. catapult me to spread your word so fervently that i cannot stop.

and let me live with no other goal than this.

Lord, give me strength.
peace and reconciliation are my goals this week.
i think it's finally time.

fill me with your love and remind me of it at all times.

dear shakespeare

music may be the fruit of love, but first it was the seed of love. how can i listen to music that moves my soul and not be changed by it? it inspires and makes clear the desires of my heart. when i hear music that truly speaks to me it descrambles the complication of my life and reminds me what i'm truly living for. it makes me want to cry and laugh all at the same time. it makes me miss something i've never had and long for dreams forgotten.

how does one hear music and not be moved? how can i listen to some bearing their hearts so deeply and not feel mine pound?

it's when the newness wears off that the old feelings come back. 

i hate this. longing for more. i feel like all i want is more to my life. more meaning. more purpose. more of God's presence. but at the same time i'm holding myself back. i can't understand why i'm not moving forward. well, i know in some ways i really am. but its not fast enough! time goes faster and faster and my understanding and growth takes longer and longer. 

eyes glued straight ahead. behind me is only salt.

here i am. once again at this point in my life where goodbye is so near. i have so many thoughts about the times to come but it's all jumbled in my mind. emotions tied so tightly that sorting them out is impossible. i'm getting used to these goodbyes and let-downs. which is niether good nor bad. my heart doesn't fully embrace relationships and experiences, but this does make things a lot easier to cope with when it's all said and done.

i'm just done with getting let down by people and circumstances. the past couple of monthes have taught me how to depend on myself. this was something that was needed in my life. to this extent? not sure if it's healthy or not. but it happened.

honestly i can say that i like being closed off a little. it's so much easier to not get hurt. i know that this sounds so empty but after you pour yourself in to an expereince as much as i did with london and then be so incredibly hurt as i have been left even 9 months after... it's just bound to happen.

looking back over everything that i have experienced, all the relationships made and lost, and time wasted i think i'm finally at the point where i can say that i'm not sad abour it, nor happy. it's just there. it happened. i will forever have the memories and scars.

what i'm left with is myself. my heart. my life. my future. these scars will no longer keep getting cut open. i hope my skin is strong enough now to handle whatever comes my way. no looking back. only forward.

lost... once again

this summer has been quite the experience. lots of highs and lows- but mostly highs. that doesn't really mean much now though.

i don't really know how to explain the emotions running through me at this moment. or the changes that have happened this summer. all i know is that once again this fall i will leave minnesota a different person. not really sure if these changes are for the good or bad. probably both i suppose.

there have definitely been some great things about this summer. my heart has filled with new friendships made and old friendships rekindled.

yet, my heart feels broken.
maybe never really healed from the start of spring semester.

i don't really know where this leaves me.

this week:
boats, barbecues, beaches, long walks, more caribou than is healthy, movies, bonfires, dresses, deep talks, family time, good sermons, shopping trips, target runs, sister time, and best of all- time with my baby niece!

i am seriously so blessed. i take it for granted a lot, but i realized tonight how amazing the week God has given me. sometimes when you look at the little things in your life you realize they are all little reminders that God is there and he is still working in your life. it really is a huge encouragement.

I HATE MOVING!
i'm sick of it. i really hate switching homes every three months. this needs to stop, it takes too much of a toll on my emotions.
i hate moving.

ma belle evangeline

dear evangeline,
today is the day you were born. may 22nd. you may not know this, but you have changed our lives completely. your beautiful little face is the most amazing thing i have ever seen. you are so important! God has big plans for you, little one. i can't wait to see who you grow up to be! you've got a long way to go, though. i am counting down the days until i can meet you. sunday, monday, tuesday- and finally, the big day- wednesday! four whole days, i am so excited, four days seems like forever. you have only been alive for a few hours already captured so many hearts! you are so special. precious little girl, you my dear, have big things ahead of you. i am so excited to teach you and watch you learn and grow! before we know it you will be crawling, and then walking and talking, and then reading and i just cant wait! just so you know little girl, i will always be here for you. always, always, always.
i love you, little one.

end of the semester craziness.

over-caffeinated brain
         +
library lockdown
         +
amazing procrastination abilities
         +
endless chapels
         +
very messy room
         +
lack of food
         +
many frequent status updates

     equals?

one hot mess.

sometimes it's hard to remember that God has more for me.
but i need to remember exactly that.
i don't "deserve" better, but i have confidence that He wants the best for me.
He knows what i need.

Lord, help me wait for your will. show me who i am through your eyes. show me my faults and show me my weaknesses. show me the gifts that you've given me and show me the woman that you created me to be.  and help me use these things for your glory alone.

O LORD, Deliver My Life

O LORD, rebuke me not in your anger,
   nor discipline me in your wrath.
Be gracious to me, O LORD, for I am languishing;
    heal me, O LORD, for my bones are troubled.
My soul also is greatly troubled.
   But you, O LORD— how long?



Turn, O LORD, deliver my life;
   save me for the sake of your steadfast love.
For in death there is no remembrance of you;
   in Sheol who will give you praise?


I am weary with my moaning;
   every night I flood my bed with tears;
   I drench my couch with my weeping.
My eye wastes away because of grief;
   it grows weak because of all my foes.


Depart from me, all you workers of evil,
   for the LORD has heard the sound of my weeping.
The LORD has heard my plea;
   the LORD accepts my prayer.
All my enemies shall be ashamed and greatly troubled;
   they shall turn back and be put to shame in a moment.

-Psalm 6

isaiah 55:11

praise Him. for He is faithful.

it is time.

ok God. if you want me, show me.

rambles of late

last semester was not just a one term, "study abroad experience." i think a lot of people think that's what it was. but it was so much more.

it's like i was someone who's never had chocolate. last term was that chocolate. but now i can't have it anymore. i was pretty satisfied before i went, before i had that taste of that chocolate. but now that i know what it tastes like, life without it feels so incomplete. 

before going to london and experiencing what i experienced, i didn't know that i was missing anything. but now i know that i was missing so much. so so much. 

i had the most incredible feeling of purpose, and love and the feeling that i was where i was supposed to and i was doing what i was supposed to do for the first time in my life. 

now, 

i am here. here back at biola. which was fine before because i didn't know that i was missing anything. but now it's like torture. i know that God wants me here right now. i don't have a shadow of a doubt about that. but i just have no idea why. which is ok, because i realize that that's how God works a lot of the time, but it is so hard. 

i think about london all the time. i long to be there. and yes, part of it is because i have amazing friends that i love there. but mostly i just miss that sense of purpose i had while i was there. 

God put that city on my heart for a reason. i don't ever think that i've felt this way about anything in my life. it doesn't make sense why God would give me that experience, and why He put it on my heart if it doesn't have to do with my future. 

anyway, 

lately my heart's just been numb. i haven't been able to handle this and the rest of the things that God has been doing. this season is not one of comfort. God is tearing down every single thing that i could possible put my trust in that is not Him. which in a way is so amazing, well it is in theory at least. but when living through it, it's pretty much the hardest thing i've ever had to do. my heart feels like it's in pieces. 

and the hardest part about it is that it's so lonely. i'm lonely. 

and i'm longing for God to move in me like He's done before. i'm longing to feel that love once again. but- it's just not the same feeling. i know that He loves me just the same as before, but apparently my heart's in a different place or something. it doesn't feel like that amazing love that i've felt before. maybe that is another thing that He's teaching me.

i don't really know. i don't claim to know anything about what's going on in my heart and spirit and God's mind right now. i just long for the day when this season ends. all i want is to be with Him. to be as close to Him as i possibly can get. 

home

the compass within me is broken. it not longer points north. it no longer points to home.

home.
my body and soul long for this place called home.
yet, this strange concept eludes me.

wrote this in the middle of last term while in london. still rings so true:

"as i lay on my bed, 

and the world swims above my head 

and i try to think of whimsical rhymes and hidden meanings 

my patience grows weak. 

the faith i lack is the faith i need yet somehow 

my mind rebels against it. 

my imagination runs wild with thoughts of irresponsible and wild ways of living, 

of dreams that will never come to be, 

and of places i hope soon to go. 

this pen and pad, 

my only comfort. 

this body just holds me back. 

this world screams No, 

yet my heart wants to scream back. 

my mind tells me the obstacles are for a reason, 

yet my heart wants to leap before looking. 

this once i want to jump without analyzing. 

the world tugs with a sway and flow - 

gets farther 

and the holes become wider,

yet the others get tighter 

and form a knot. 

i feel the stretching and pulling of this world- 

and enjoy the feeling until the stretch becomes too much 

and i snap. 

no, 

i have not snapped. 

the fabric i'm made of is stronger than this world. 

my heart yearns for two different worlds. 

yet neither one i call home. 

the home i long for is but  a glimmer in my eye, 

and a hope in my heart. 

as the world screams, swims, and stretches, 

i am steady. 

for i am not of this world. 

and someday it will become gray. 

the brightness comes from another source. 

and this 

is what i live for."

beautiful

Oh Lord, you're beautiful,
Your face is all I seek,
For when your eyes are on this child,
Your grace abounds to me.

I want to take your word and shine it all around.
But first help me just to live it Lord.
And when I'm doing well, help me to never seek a crown.
For my reward is giving glory to you.

Oh Lord, please light the fire,
That once burned bright and clear.
Replace the lamp of my first love,
That burns with Holy fear.

I want to take your word and shine it all around.
But first help me just to live it Lord.
And when I'm doing well, help me to never seek a crown.
For my reward is giving glory to you.

Oh Lord, you're beautiful,
Your face is all I seek,
For when your eyes are on this child,
Your grace abounds to me.
Oh Lord, you're beautiful,
Your face is all I seek,
For when your eyes are on this child,
Your grace abounds to me.

sometimes i just get so frustrated by the fact that people know the truth and choose not to live by it.

christian universities are plagued with this trend. it's the nature of the environment that surrounds the students. the combination of so many different backgrounds of faith in God. and so many temptations.
my heart is so troubled by this phenomenon.

my prayer is that God would put a passion in the hearts of christian students once again. my vision is a university unified by God's love and desire to live only for His glory. a place where one student's weakness is filled by another's strength. one where authenticity and honesty reign and create a fabric that is able to withstand the temptations of this age. a place where a love for God is the first priority. and a love for others the second.

this place will move mountains. this place will show the world the God that saves. it will strengthen believers of all walks of life, at any 'level' of spirituality.

this is a place where the meek and humble are raised up. and where every student's strength are utilized. 

a place of constant prayer. a place to meet God. a place where we can see His face. 

this is my prayer for biola
for universities around the world
for my generation
for the Body of Christ.

change.
it's a funny thing. i have a love/hate relationship with the concept of change.

my life has changed so much in the period of a year. and i am so completely happy that i have changed as a person. that God has changed me. this exact time last year was probably the lowest, worst time in my life. no exaggeration.

and here i am now. in the place that God wants me to be. striving to be the girl God wants me to be.
i am astounded by His love and grace.

london for 10 days was incredible. one of the most challenging experiences i've probably had- but one of the greatest as well. i am incredibly emotionally drained- but He is filling me up again. His love is what i'm living for.

i am blessed. i have said that countless times in this blog, but it's so true. i have three homes, and three families.

somehow coming back to california is good. i am at peace and i know that i'm in the right place doing the right thing. and i'm excited for what's to come. and i am beyond thankful for the people that God has put in my life. and even more thankful for the trials that i've had to go through to get me through to this place.

i don't know what's in store. and it may be hard. and there will be change. and i will change. but He is sovereign. and merciful. and loving.

when my eyes are fastened on Him- nothing else matters.

love

ok, so i know this is corny. and i know this is what every christian girl on the planet who doesn't have a boy in her life says, but really...


this valentine's day i am in love with God. he is my one and only. 


i have had so many realization's about this lately. i want to be in love with only him. nothing else really matters at all. when my eyes are on him- he is the only thing i see. the challenge is keeping my eyes only on him. its a slow process but its coming. 


he loves me more than anyone ever could. and if he was the only one to ever love me, i would still be complete. he more than completes me. 


honestly, i don't really want a boy in my life right now anyway, i just want to continue learning how to love God with my whole heart. my heart shouldn't belong to anyone but him. everyday, my hunger for him gets stronger and stronger. i can't wait to see what he has in store for me! and i can't wait to know him better. 


he is the lover of my soul. he is my savior. he is my everything. he is all i need. he is my life. he is my eternity. he is my creator. he is my past. he is my present. he is my future. he is the only thing and the only one i will live for. 


and i?
i am his. 


"For your Maker is your husband,
   the LORD of hosts is his name;
and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer,
    the God of the whole earth he is called."

deja vu

back to california.
so weird.
i'm living in a flashback. but a flashback that is completely different. that probably makes no sense to anyone except me.
anyway,
place is the so the same. yet my relationships are completely different. i knew that this was going to be hard. i just didn't realize it was going to be this hard. but i'm trusting God that things will be good. i'm looking forward to starting classes, and getting into a routine.
and praying for him to put the right people in my life. and that i would be put in the right people's lives.

and i still love my friends in london so much. and i miss them.
and it's good to remember that even if there is an ocean between us they will always be there for me.
they are my family.

inadequacy

i am frozen. i am empty. i don't know who i am anymore.

skyping my friends in london makes me so happy, but at the same time so sad and confused.
i thought that i would be so broken up about leaving. which, don't get me wrong, i am. but it's easier than i expected. i don't know if that's because i've been busy, or because i know that they haven't forgotten me, or because i'm in a place that is so completely different that i don't think about it all the time.

i miss the way that God moved in me in london. i miss the depth that i felt. i miss my friends. i miss the encouragement. i miss the constant prayer. i miss the sunset. i miss the laughter. i miss the teasing. i miss the games. i miss cu. i miss being a part of something important. i miss vineyard. i miss the streets of london. i miss the bus. i miss the tube.

but i love bringing all these things to the people that i love here. i thought that when i got back my heart would constantly be heavy. i thought that my eyes would never be dry. but strangely that has not been the case. yes, i have shed quite a few tears. and yes i have thought that i was going to physically be sick because i miss it so much. and these things happen everyday. but it's possible for me to think of other things, and to get distracted by other things. maybe i thought it was going to be harder, because when i thought about leaving while i was in london that's what it felt like. it was harder to think about leaving when i was there than to actually not be there.


yet, i am lost. some parts about leaving were easier than expected. yes, it's not as emotional as i thought it would be. but i come home and it's like i don't know who i am anymore. i just feel lost. and alone. and i don't know what to do about it. so i go about my daily life. but it's so unsatisfying i can hardly take it. i want my heart to pound so strong about something that i feel like its going to come out of my chest. i want to be so passionate that tears can't help but run down my face. but it's like my heart is numb. and my body's stagnant.

most of all i miss who i was when i was there. 

i just want to know who i am again. i want to have a purpose. i want my Creator to take joy in the things that i do and say. i want to feel adequate again.

"In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.  Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls." 


church was so good today. they taught about this passage. one thing that the pastor said that really stuck out to me was that it's a good thing that there are thistles along this path that we are journeying on. because then we won't settle in this one spot. we will only look forward to what's coming. and who's coming. and our real home in heaven. 


it wasn't vineyard, but God is good. He knew what i needed. i know that i shouldn't be so surprised when God knows what i need before i know, and gives it to me before i expect, but i still am. He's amazing.