I HATE MOVING!
i'm sick of it. i really hate switching homes every three months. this needs to stop, it takes too much of a toll on my emotions.
i hate moving.

ma belle evangeline

dear evangeline,
today is the day you were born. may 22nd. you may not know this, but you have changed our lives completely. your beautiful little face is the most amazing thing i have ever seen. you are so important! God has big plans for you, little one. i can't wait to see who you grow up to be! you've got a long way to go, though. i am counting down the days until i can meet you. sunday, monday, tuesday- and finally, the big day- wednesday! four whole days, i am so excited, four days seems like forever. you have only been alive for a few hours already captured so many hearts! you are so special. precious little girl, you my dear, have big things ahead of you. i am so excited to teach you and watch you learn and grow! before we know it you will be crawling, and then walking and talking, and then reading and i just cant wait! just so you know little girl, i will always be here for you. always, always, always.
i love you, little one.

end of the semester craziness.

over-caffeinated brain
         +
library lockdown
         +
amazing procrastination abilities
         +
endless chapels
         +
very messy room
         +
lack of food
         +
many frequent status updates

     equals?

one hot mess.

sometimes it's hard to remember that God has more for me.
but i need to remember exactly that.
i don't "deserve" better, but i have confidence that He wants the best for me.
He knows what i need.

Lord, help me wait for your will. show me who i am through your eyes. show me my faults and show me my weaknesses. show me the gifts that you've given me and show me the woman that you created me to be.  and help me use these things for your glory alone.

O LORD, Deliver My Life

O LORD, rebuke me not in your anger,
   nor discipline me in your wrath.
Be gracious to me, O LORD, for I am languishing;
    heal me, O LORD, for my bones are troubled.
My soul also is greatly troubled.
   But you, O LORD— how long?



Turn, O LORD, deliver my life;
   save me for the sake of your steadfast love.
For in death there is no remembrance of you;
   in Sheol who will give you praise?


I am weary with my moaning;
   every night I flood my bed with tears;
   I drench my couch with my weeping.
My eye wastes away because of grief;
   it grows weak because of all my foes.


Depart from me, all you workers of evil,
   for the LORD has heard the sound of my weeping.
The LORD has heard my plea;
   the LORD accepts my prayer.
All my enemies shall be ashamed and greatly troubled;
   they shall turn back and be put to shame in a moment.

-Psalm 6

isaiah 55:11

praise Him. for He is faithful.

it is time.

ok God. if you want me, show me.

rambles of late

last semester was not just a one term, "study abroad experience." i think a lot of people think that's what it was. but it was so much more.

it's like i was someone who's never had chocolate. last term was that chocolate. but now i can't have it anymore. i was pretty satisfied before i went, before i had that taste of that chocolate. but now that i know what it tastes like, life without it feels so incomplete. 

before going to london and experiencing what i experienced, i didn't know that i was missing anything. but now i know that i was missing so much. so so much. 

i had the most incredible feeling of purpose, and love and the feeling that i was where i was supposed to and i was doing what i was supposed to do for the first time in my life. 

now, 

i am here. here back at biola. which was fine before because i didn't know that i was missing anything. but now it's like torture. i know that God wants me here right now. i don't have a shadow of a doubt about that. but i just have no idea why. which is ok, because i realize that that's how God works a lot of the time, but it is so hard. 

i think about london all the time. i long to be there. and yes, part of it is because i have amazing friends that i love there. but mostly i just miss that sense of purpose i had while i was there. 

God put that city on my heart for a reason. i don't ever think that i've felt this way about anything in my life. it doesn't make sense why God would give me that experience, and why He put it on my heart if it doesn't have to do with my future. 

anyway, 

lately my heart's just been numb. i haven't been able to handle this and the rest of the things that God has been doing. this season is not one of comfort. God is tearing down every single thing that i could possible put my trust in that is not Him. which in a way is so amazing, well it is in theory at least. but when living through it, it's pretty much the hardest thing i've ever had to do. my heart feels like it's in pieces. 

and the hardest part about it is that it's so lonely. i'm lonely. 

and i'm longing for God to move in me like He's done before. i'm longing to feel that love once again. but- it's just not the same feeling. i know that He loves me just the same as before, but apparently my heart's in a different place or something. it doesn't feel like that amazing love that i've felt before. maybe that is another thing that He's teaching me.

i don't really know. i don't claim to know anything about what's going on in my heart and spirit and God's mind right now. i just long for the day when this season ends. all i want is to be with Him. to be as close to Him as i possibly can get. 

home

the compass within me is broken. it not longer points north. it no longer points to home.

home.
my body and soul long for this place called home.
yet, this strange concept eludes me.

wrote this in the middle of last term while in london. still rings so true:

"as i lay on my bed, 

and the world swims above my head 

and i try to think of whimsical rhymes and hidden meanings 

my patience grows weak. 

the faith i lack is the faith i need yet somehow 

my mind rebels against it. 

my imagination runs wild with thoughts of irresponsible and wild ways of living, 

of dreams that will never come to be, 

and of places i hope soon to go. 

this pen and pad, 

my only comfort. 

this body just holds me back. 

this world screams No, 

yet my heart wants to scream back. 

my mind tells me the obstacles are for a reason, 

yet my heart wants to leap before looking. 

this once i want to jump without analyzing. 

the world tugs with a sway and flow - 

gets farther 

and the holes become wider,

yet the others get tighter 

and form a knot. 

i feel the stretching and pulling of this world- 

and enjoy the feeling until the stretch becomes too much 

and i snap. 

no, 

i have not snapped. 

the fabric i'm made of is stronger than this world. 

my heart yearns for two different worlds. 

yet neither one i call home. 

the home i long for is but  a glimmer in my eye, 

and a hope in my heart. 

as the world screams, swims, and stretches, 

i am steady. 

for i am not of this world. 

and someday it will become gray. 

the brightness comes from another source. 

and this 

is what i live for."

beautiful

Oh Lord, you're beautiful,
Your face is all I seek,
For when your eyes are on this child,
Your grace abounds to me.

I want to take your word and shine it all around.
But first help me just to live it Lord.
And when I'm doing well, help me to never seek a crown.
For my reward is giving glory to you.

Oh Lord, please light the fire,
That once burned bright and clear.
Replace the lamp of my first love,
That burns with Holy fear.

I want to take your word and shine it all around.
But first help me just to live it Lord.
And when I'm doing well, help me to never seek a crown.
For my reward is giving glory to you.

Oh Lord, you're beautiful,
Your face is all I seek,
For when your eyes are on this child,
Your grace abounds to me.
Oh Lord, you're beautiful,
Your face is all I seek,
For when your eyes are on this child,
Your grace abounds to me.

sometimes i just get so frustrated by the fact that people know the truth and choose not to live by it.

christian universities are plagued with this trend. it's the nature of the environment that surrounds the students. the combination of so many different backgrounds of faith in God. and so many temptations.
my heart is so troubled by this phenomenon.

my prayer is that God would put a passion in the hearts of christian students once again. my vision is a university unified by God's love and desire to live only for His glory. a place where one student's weakness is filled by another's strength. one where authenticity and honesty reign and create a fabric that is able to withstand the temptations of this age. a place where a love for God is the first priority. and a love for others the second.

this place will move mountains. this place will show the world the God that saves. it will strengthen believers of all walks of life, at any 'level' of spirituality.

this is a place where the meek and humble are raised up. and where every student's strength are utilized. 

a place of constant prayer. a place to meet God. a place where we can see His face. 

this is my prayer for biola
for universities around the world
for my generation
for the Body of Christ.

change.
it's a funny thing. i have a love/hate relationship with the concept of change.

my life has changed so much in the period of a year. and i am so completely happy that i have changed as a person. that God has changed me. this exact time last year was probably the lowest, worst time in my life. no exaggeration.

and here i am now. in the place that God wants me to be. striving to be the girl God wants me to be.
i am astounded by His love and grace.

london for 10 days was incredible. one of the most challenging experiences i've probably had- but one of the greatest as well. i am incredibly emotionally drained- but He is filling me up again. His love is what i'm living for.

i am blessed. i have said that countless times in this blog, but it's so true. i have three homes, and three families.

somehow coming back to california is good. i am at peace and i know that i'm in the right place doing the right thing. and i'm excited for what's to come. and i am beyond thankful for the people that God has put in my life. and even more thankful for the trials that i've had to go through to get me through to this place.

i don't know what's in store. and it may be hard. and there will be change. and i will change. but He is sovereign. and merciful. and loving.

when my eyes are fastened on Him- nothing else matters.

love

ok, so i know this is corny. and i know this is what every christian girl on the planet who doesn't have a boy in her life says, but really...


this valentine's day i am in love with God. he is my one and only. 


i have had so many realization's about this lately. i want to be in love with only him. nothing else really matters at all. when my eyes are on him- he is the only thing i see. the challenge is keeping my eyes only on him. its a slow process but its coming. 


he loves me more than anyone ever could. and if he was the only one to ever love me, i would still be complete. he more than completes me. 


honestly, i don't really want a boy in my life right now anyway, i just want to continue learning how to love God with my whole heart. my heart shouldn't belong to anyone but him. everyday, my hunger for him gets stronger and stronger. i can't wait to see what he has in store for me! and i can't wait to know him better. 


he is the lover of my soul. he is my savior. he is my everything. he is all i need. he is my life. he is my eternity. he is my creator. he is my past. he is my present. he is my future. he is the only thing and the only one i will live for. 


and i?
i am his. 


"For your Maker is your husband,
   the LORD of hosts is his name;
and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer,
    the God of the whole earth he is called."

deja vu

back to california.
so weird.
i'm living in a flashback. but a flashback that is completely different. that probably makes no sense to anyone except me.
anyway,
place is the so the same. yet my relationships are completely different. i knew that this was going to be hard. i just didn't realize it was going to be this hard. but i'm trusting God that things will be good. i'm looking forward to starting classes, and getting into a routine.
and praying for him to put the right people in my life. and that i would be put in the right people's lives.

and i still love my friends in london so much. and i miss them.
and it's good to remember that even if there is an ocean between us they will always be there for me.
they are my family.

inadequacy

i am frozen. i am empty. i don't know who i am anymore.

skyping my friends in london makes me so happy, but at the same time so sad and confused.
i thought that i would be so broken up about leaving. which, don't get me wrong, i am. but it's easier than i expected. i don't know if that's because i've been busy, or because i know that they haven't forgotten me, or because i'm in a place that is so completely different that i don't think about it all the time.

i miss the way that God moved in me in london. i miss the depth that i felt. i miss my friends. i miss the encouragement. i miss the constant prayer. i miss the sunset. i miss the laughter. i miss the teasing. i miss the games. i miss cu. i miss being a part of something important. i miss vineyard. i miss the streets of london. i miss the bus. i miss the tube.

but i love bringing all these things to the people that i love here. i thought that when i got back my heart would constantly be heavy. i thought that my eyes would never be dry. but strangely that has not been the case. yes, i have shed quite a few tears. and yes i have thought that i was going to physically be sick because i miss it so much. and these things happen everyday. but it's possible for me to think of other things, and to get distracted by other things. maybe i thought it was going to be harder, because when i thought about leaving while i was in london that's what it felt like. it was harder to think about leaving when i was there than to actually not be there.


yet, i am lost. some parts about leaving were easier than expected. yes, it's not as emotional as i thought it would be. but i come home and it's like i don't know who i am anymore. i just feel lost. and alone. and i don't know what to do about it. so i go about my daily life. but it's so unsatisfying i can hardly take it. i want my heart to pound so strong about something that i feel like its going to come out of my chest. i want to be so passionate that tears can't help but run down my face. but it's like my heart is numb. and my body's stagnant.

most of all i miss who i was when i was there. 

i just want to know who i am again. i want to have a purpose. i want my Creator to take joy in the things that i do and say. i want to feel adequate again.

"In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.  Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls." 


church was so good today. they taught about this passage. one thing that the pastor said that really stuck out to me was that it's a good thing that there are thistles along this path that we are journeying on. because then we won't settle in this one spot. we will only look forward to what's coming. and who's coming. and our real home in heaven. 


it wasn't vineyard, but God is good. He knew what i needed. i know that i shouldn't be so surprised when God knows what i need before i know, and gives it to me before i expect, but i still am. He's amazing. 

and the honeymoon period ends...

yup, i miss london.
so
so
so
much.

when can i go back? i guess i only have 53 days. but that's a long time to be separated from what you love. i really need to stop thinking in the past though, it's time to get on with the future. i just wish my future was on the other side of the atlantic.

the long awaited arrival in minnesota has taken place. back to the frozen tundra and brought the snow with me! crazy blizzard conditions taking place! well, it's different than i thought. because it's so normal it scares me a little bit to be home because this term changed me so much, that i don't feel like coming home should be normal. i've gotten pretty good at compartmentalizing my life in the past though, and i don't want to do that anymore. i want everyone to know about london and the person that i've become. i guess they probably will if i'm that concerned. and i guess i haven't really stopped talking about it and i've only been home for not even 24 hours.

God is so good. i'm not in tears, i'm not having a mental breakdown, i'm not depressed, and not needing to drown my sorrows in chocolate. i'm content. and happy. who would've thought? it's so good though. and i've already talked to some people from london, and it just made me so happy. i am so grateful for them.

this is quite a random post actually- i'm just rambling on and on.

so to sum up, I:
have arrived in MN.
have seen parents and talked their ears off about london.
miss my friends so so much.
have yet to have a Schwartzbauer girls reunion, but cannot wait. (i want to see that little baby in sarah's belly!)
am content here, God's peace is sustaining me.
am more thankful than i have ever been in my entire life for the past couple months.

God is good.

i will never forget

i am changed. for good.

i never want to forget the life that i have had the privilege of living here.

i will miss...

running over to a block to visit belle on a constant basis. my flatrep walking into my room whilst i was sleeping because he forgot that he now lives across the hall. mince pies. vineyard, htb, htb student group, vineyard student group, cu - and all in one week. the tube. the ridiculous 72 and always waiting for it. the amazing times walking to vineyard on sunday mornings with friends, and wednesday nights by myself. the cloudy days, and the amazingly clear ones. the rain. the after-cu parties. praying with wonderful people of God. walking roehampton lane worshiping God with my ipod. "430 to south kensington". my attempt at imitating english accents. jack singing as he passes my window. coughing in unison with belle. ben and jerry's. one tree hill. youtube videos with friends. exploding whales. hand tapping(?) game. jack's random videos. brenda and tracy's. the states game. southlands (till i die). paprika. the grand. fancy dress. sam mason. xx's. everything cu. the amazing leaders of it. bacon. baking with belle. london shopping. late nights in flat kitchens. david playing amazing spanish music or playing his saxophone in the kitchen. being called miley. my map. bundling up to go outside. the bop. english music. talking about God with great people. random skype chats. always having to find 50p's to do laundry. the walk from froebel to southlands at night. flat fb messages. avoiding the cleaner in the kitchen. sunday lunches. nathan's abuse. mike's excitement for everything. the beautiful roehampton campus. talking american politics. fez. asda. public transportation. getting lost in the beauty outside the window. my flatmates crazy antics. british music. nandos. the pub after HTB. the constant conversation about the differences between accents. seeing the sunset outside my window. playing in the snow with friends. not being able to cross the street properly. friends always offering prayer. looking at the london skyline at mike's kitchen.

well... there's more but i'm off to finish some things up.

i don't know how to contain this passion within me. God is so incredible. i have felt so different in the past five days than i ever have before. i can feel the Spirit of God with me all the time. which is amazing. the thing is- i don't know what to do with it. i feel ready to burst!

obviously it's a good thing. and i know what to do with it. i know that it's overflowing within me so that others can partake as well. but, well, its just the way to go about it that i'm not sure of. i guess the only thing i can do is thank God and ask Him to give me opportunities to serve Him and do His will. 

there are so many things that are up in the air in my life right now. and it's so scary, yet so exciting. after christmas day my life is pretty much an open book. its one of the scariest things that i've ever had to do. yet,  at the same time, i know that my God is with me. i know that every step is planned out.